Falling for the Foster Mom Page 15

  ‘Don’t be like that, Quinn. We had a good time together but we both want different things.’ He reached out to take her hand but she snatched it away. He didn’t have the right to touch her any more and she couldn’t bear it now she knew this was over. It hurt too much.

  ‘We want you. You don’t want us. Plain and simple. There’s probably no point in drawing this out.’ She unfurled her legs from beneath her to stand, faking a strength she didn’t possess right now.

  Matt took his time getting up. Contrary to every other night he’d been here, Quinn wanted him gone as soon as possible. She wanted to do her ugly crying and wailing in private. A break up was still painful whether you saw it coming or not and she needed a period of mourning before she picked herself up and started her new life over. One without Matt.

  ‘I’ll look into transferring Simon’s care to another consultant.’

  ‘No. I never wanted him to suffer as a result of our relationship. He deserves the very best and that’s you. I think we can be grown-up enough to manage that. If not, I’ll stay out of your way and let you get on with it.’

  Appointments at the Castle were never going to be the same. The fairy tale was well and truly over but she hoped there was still some sort of happy-ever-after in sight even without her Prince Charming. She would miss his supporting role at the hospital as much as out of it. He’d got her through some of those darkest days but she couldn’t force him to want to be around.

  He nodded, his professional pride probably making the final decision on this one. ‘Of course. There’s no point in causing him any more disruption than necessary. We should probably make alternative arrangements for the dog too.’

  She was the worst mother in the world, before she’d even officially been handed the title. Simon was going to lose his two best friends because she couldn’t keep her emotions in check.

  ‘Maybe you could email me your schedule and we’ll work something out.’

  She knew Matt didn’t have the time, not really. The dog had been another pie in the sky idea that they hadn’t fully thought through. Maisie was going to end up as another casualty of their doomed affair if they didn’t take responsibility for their actions.

  ‘You should take her. We got her for Simon’s benefit after all, and it would prevent any...awkwardness.’ He clearly wanted a clean break with no ties that weren’t strictly professional.

  The quick turnaround from an afternoon where he couldn’t keep his hands off her was hard to stomach.

  ‘I suppose if Simon’s going to be here permanently there’s no reason why we can’t take her on.’ Yet deep down she was still hoping for one just so there’d still be some sort of tenuous link between them.

  Matt didn’t appear to have any such sentimental leanings.

  ‘I should go.’ He turned towards the door, then back again, as if he wanted to say something more but didn’t. Only an uneasy silence remained, giving her time to think about the days they’d had together, and those they wouldn’t.

  ‘Yes.’ She’d always been too much for any man to consider taking on and there was no reason this time should’ve been any different. Now the last hope she’d had for a normal family had been pounded into dust, she had to make the most of the one she had. From here on in it was just her, Simon and Maisie.

  She watched him walk away, telling herself she’d started this journey on her own and she was strong enough to continue without him.

  The first tears fell before Matt was even out of sight.

  He daren’t look back. It had taken every ounce of his willpower to walk out of that door in the first place, knowing he was leaving her behind for good. Another glimpse of Quinn in warrior mode, those spiky defences he’d spent weeks breaking down firmly back in place, and he might just run back and beg for forgiveness. That wasn’t going to solve anything even if it would ease his conscience for now.

  She was a strong woman who’d be stronger without him, without putting her hopes in someone who could never be what she needed—a husband and a father for Simon. If he was out of the picture, at least in a personal capacity, they stood a better chance of a stable life and he, well, he could return to the spontaneity of his.

  He pushed the button on the key fob to unlock the car door long before he reached it so he wouldn’t start fumbling with it at the last minute and betray his lack of confidence in his decision-making. Once inside the vehicle he let out a slow, shaky breath. This was the hardest thing he’d ever done in his life because he’d chosen to walk away; it wasn’t a decision forced upon him.

  She’d told him she loved him. He loved her. It would have been easy to get carried away in the romance of the situation and believe they could all live happily ever after but real life wasn’t as simple as that. Unfortunately, loving someone always meant sacrificing his independence, something he’d fought too hard for to let it slip away again so soon.

  He started the car and sneaked a peek back at the house, hoping for one last glimpse of Quinn before he left. The door was already firmly shut, closing him out of her home for ever. He would still see her from time to time at the hospital but he was no longer part of her life. From now on Quinn, Simon and Maisie were no longer his responsibility. Exactly what he’d wanted. So why did he feel as if he’d thrown away the best thing that had ever happened to him?

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  ‘HOW ARE YOU, Simon?’ It had been a couple of weeks since Matt’s world had imploded. He’d taken a back seat, letting the nurses change the boy’s dressings to give him time to get used to the idea he wasn’t always going to be around.

  It had been harder for Matt than he’d expected. Of course, he’d kept up to date on the boy’s progress, interrogating the staff who’d treated him and scanning his notes for information. None of that made up for seeing him, or Quinn, in person.

  He could operate and perform magic tricks for hundreds of other patients and their families but it wasn’t the same. Apparently that connection they’d had was one of a kind and couldn’t be replicated.

  ‘Okay.’ Simon eyed him warily as he’d done way back during the early stages of treatment as though trying to figure out if he could trust him or not. A punch to Matt’s gut after all the time they’d spent together, and it was nobody’s fault but his own.

  He’d had a sleepless night with the prospect of this one-on-one today. Although Quinn had kept to her word and stayed out of sight whilst he did his rounds it didn’t stop his hands sweating or his pulse racing at the thought she was in the building.

  ‘How’s Maisie?’ he asked as he inspected the skin already healing well on Simon’s face.

  ‘Okay.’

  He definitely wasn’t giving anything away. Perhaps he thought sharing too much information was betraying Quinn in some way. It wasn’t fair that he’d been stuck in the middle of all of this. Matt hadn’t hung around for the nature of the break-up conversation between mother and son. It must’ve been difficult to explain his disappearance when they’d tried so hard to keep their relationship secret from him.

  Simon’s reluctance to talk could also be because he saw him as another father figure who’d abandoned him, in which case he’d every right to be mad at him. It was still important he trusted Matt when it came to his surgery.

  ‘I miss her around the place, even though my shoes are safer without her.’ He never would’ve imagined his place would be so lonely without the chaos, and he wasn’t just talking about the dog.

  ‘Is that why you don’t want to see us any more? Did we do something wrong? I promise I won’t let her eat any more of your stuff.’

  The cold chill of guilt blasted through Matt’s body and froze him to the spot. He couldn’t let Simon think any of this mess was his fault when he’d been nothing but an innocent bystander dragged into his issues. They were his alone.

  It was the earnest
pools of green looking at him with pure bewilderment which eventually thawed his limbs so he could sit on the end of the hospital bed.

  ‘What happened between me and Quinn...it wasn’t because of anything you, or Maisie, did. We’ve just decided it’s better if we don’t see each other.’ This might’ve been easier if they’d co-ordinated their story at some point over these past weeks in case he contradicted anything he might’ve already been told.

  At least Quinn mustn’t have painted him as the bad guy if Simon thought he should somehow shoulder the blame. It was more than Matt deserved given his behaviour.

  ‘Don’t you like each other no more?’

  If the situation had been as simple as Simon’s point of view they would’ve still been together. He liked—loved—Quinn and she’d been fond of him enough to want him to be a part of their family. On paper it should’ve been a match made in heaven but he’d learned a long time ago that reality never matched up to rose-tinted daydreams.

  ‘That’s not really the problem.’ As much as he’d tried, he couldn’t switch off his feelings for Quinn. Not seeing her, talking to her or touching her hadn’t kept her from his thoughts, or his heart. In trying to protect himself he’d actually done more damage.

  How could he explain to a five-year-old he’d lost the best thing that had ever happened to him because he was afraid of being part of a family again, or worse, enjoy it too much? The one thing he was trying to avoid was the ultimate goal for a foster kid.

  ‘She misses you. Sometimes she’s real sad when she thinks I’m not looking but she says she’s going to be my new mummy and we’ll have lots of fun together.’

  It didn’t come across as a ploy concocted to get Matt to break down and beg to be a part of it all again but he was close to breaking when Quinn was only a corridor away.

  ‘I tell you what, after this surgery I’ll have a chat with her and see if we can all go out for ice cream again some time.’ They’d done the hardest part by making the break; meeting up for Simon’s sake surely couldn’t hurt any more than it already did. She still had Simon, and the dog, but the knowledge he’d saved himself from playing happy families didn’t keep him warm at night.

  The bribe did the trick of getting Simon back onside again and prevented any further speculation about what had happened. If Quinn had a problem, well, she’d simply have to come and talk to him about it.

  He was just glad he and Simon were back on speaking terms again. He was such a different character from the withdrawn child he’d first encountered and Quinn was to thank for that. A part of him wanted to believe he’d helped in some small way too, aside from the cosmetic aspects. Despite all of his misgivings about becoming too involved, it was good to know it wasn’t only his heart which had been touched by their friendship.

  He hadn’t realised quite how much until they were back in theatre, Simon asleep and completely at his mercy. For the first time in his career, Matt hesitated with the scalpel in his hand.

  He would never operate on any of his sisters, or his nieces, because he was too close, too emotionally involved, and that could mess with his head. The consequences of something happening to someone he loved because he wasn’t thinking clearly was a burden he could never live with.

  Yet, here he was, hovering over a boy who’d come to mean so much to him, with a blade in his hand.

  Simon was family, as was Quinn, and he’d abandoned them for the sake of his own pride. He’d always wondered how his life would’ve panned out if he’d shunned the responsibility thrust upon him to concentrate on his own survival. Now he knew. It was lonely, full of regret and unfulfilling without someone he loved to share it with.

  His skin was clammy with the layer of cold realisation beneath his scrubs.

  ‘Is everything all right?’ One of the theatre assistants was quick to notice his uncharacteristic lapse in concentration.

  ‘Yes.’ He was confident in his response. He had to be. When he was in theatre he couldn’t let his personal issues contaminate the sterile atmosphere.

  He took a deep breath and let his professional demeanour sweep the remnants of his emotions to the side so he could do what was expected of him. It would be the last time he’d operate on Simon and he wasn’t looking forward to breaking the news.

  * * *

  Quinn would never get used to the waiting. For some reason today seemed worse than all the other times Simon had been in surgery. The can’t-sit-still fidgets were part parental worry and part running-into-an-ex anxiety.

  With Matt still treating Simon it made an already stressful situation unbearable. There was no clean break like she’d had with Darryl. She hadn’t seen him for dust once she’d insisted on going ahead with the fostering plan. This time she faced the prospect of seeing the man who’d broken her heart at every hospital appointment. She never knew which day might be the one she’d catch a glimpse of him to drive her over the edge.

  Sure, things were going well with Simon in his recovery, and the adoption, but that didn’t mean she could simply forget what she and Matt had had together. Could’ve had. She’d loved him and she was pretty sure he’d loved her, though he’d never said it and he hadn’t been willing to trade in the single life for her. That was going to come back and haunt her every time she laid eyes on his handsome face. Out of Simon’s sight, she’d cried, listened to sad songs and eaten gallons of ice cream straight from the tub but she hadn’t reached the stage where she was ready to move on. She wasn’t sure she ever really would.

  No one got her like Matt; he seemed to know what she needed, and gave it to her, before she did. Except for what she’d wanted the most. Him. That’s why it hurt so damn much. He’d known exactly what it would do to her by walking away; he’d told her long before she’d figured it out for herself. She could do the parenting alone, she just didn’t want to.

  For her, Matt had been the final piece of that family puzzle, slotting into place to complete the picture when there had been a void between her and Simon. Without him, she feared there’d always be a sense of that missing part of them and who knew where, or if, they’d ever be truly complete again. All she could do was her best to give Simon a loving home and pray it could make up for everything else.

  Missing boyfriend and father figure aside, Simon had been making great progress in terms of his recovery and schooling. Those days of being a normal mother and son no longer seemed so far out of reach. It was only on days such as this which brought home the memories of the fire and the extra worry she’d always shoulder for Simon’s welfare.

  The thumbs up from the nurses was always the cue she was awaiting so she could relax until he came around from the anaesthetic. This time her relief was short-lived as Matt came into view to add more stress to her daily quota.

  ‘Did everything go to schedule?’ It was the first time she’d spoken directly to him since they’d confronted the painful truth of their non-relationship so there was a flutter which made its way from her pulse to her voice. Worse, he was frowning, lines of worry etched deeply enough on his brow to put her on alert. Matt wasn’t one to cause unnecessary drama on the wards and if he was worried about something it was definitely time to panic.

  ‘Yeah. Fine...I need to talk to you.’ He dropped his voice so other people couldn’t hear and thereby induced a full-on panic attack.

  It was never good news when doctors did that. Not when they were grabbing your arm and dragging you into a cubicle for a private word. Her heart was pounding so hard with fear, and being this close to him after such a long absence, she was starting to feel faint.

  ‘What’s happened? Is there an infection? I’ve tried to keep the dressings clean but you know what boys are like—’ Her breathing was becoming rapid as she rattled through the possible disasters going on in her head.

  Matt steered her towards the bed, forcing her to sit when the backs of her legs hit
the mattress.

  ‘He’s fine. There were no problems or complication. I just can’t treat him any more. I’m sorry but—’

  The blood drained from her head to her toes and her limp body sank deeper into the bed. The moment things seemed to be going well for Simon, she’d messed it up. She couldn’t let him do this because of her. Simon needed him.

  ‘Is it me? Next time I’ll stay out of the way altogether. You don’t even have to come onto the ward. I’ll talk to the nurses or I can get Mrs Johns to bring him to his appointments. I’ll do whatever it takes. I don’t want to be the one to mess this up.’

  Any further resolutions he had for the problem were silenced as Matt sealed her lips with his. The stealth kiss completely derailed her train of thought, leaving her dazed and wanting more. She touched her fingers to her moist lips, afraid it had been a dream conjured up by falling asleep in the corridor.

  ‘What was that for?’ she asked, almost afraid of the answer.

  ‘It was the only way to shut you up so I could finish what I was saying. Well, probably not the only way, but the best one I could think of.’ He was grinning at her, that mischievous twinkle in his eye sending tremors of anticipation wracking through her body, but she still didn’t know what there was to smile about.

  ‘But why? Why would you feel the need to kiss me after dumping me and then telling me you’re dumping Simon too? It doesn’t make any sense. Unless this is your idea of a sick joke. In which case I’m really not amused.’ Her head was spinning from his bombshell, from the kiss and from the way she still wanted him even after everything he’d done.

  ‘Do I need to do it again to get you to listen?’ He was cupping her face in his hands, making direct eye contact so she couldn’t lie.

  ‘Yes,’ she said without hesitation, and closed her eyes for one last touch of him against her lips.

  Whatever the motive, she’d missed this. She hated herself for being so weak as she sagged against him and let him take control of her mouth, her emotions and her dignity when she should be railing against him for putting her through hell.