Their Mistletoe Baby Read online

  Lucas xx

  There seemed no need to mention the mental illness that had cost them their marriage when it was obvious they were going to go their separate ways again on their return. Even without his grief and depression keeping them apart, that basic conflict would remain—he couldn’t imagine being part of the happy little family she wanted. He was a successful doctor because he’d studied hard and followed the lead of his mentors but he’d never had a role model to show him how to be a parent. It wasn’t the kind of responsibility he would accept and hope for the best when he was a casualty himself of that selfish attitude towards parenting.

  It was his fault their marriage was over but using the gory details of his trauma as an explanation now would inflict the very pain on Freya he’d been trying to avoid and only make her want to understand more. That was the kind of woman she was. One hint of what he’d been through and she’d already cried for him and tried to fix everything. For both of their sakes he needed to sever the ties, not strengthen them.

  He handed the postcard over the counter, picture side up, hoping the elves either couldn’t read English or were too discreet to judge the contents.

  As he waited for the others to finish up so they could travel the final leg of the journey, there was one area of his life that suddenly became clearer. He’d put off making a decision about his temporary lodgings at Pete’s because that had been easier than committing to change, but he could see now they all needed to move on. Remaining static would only prolong his grief for the life he could never have.

  * * *

  Even with the prospect of seeing Santa Claus in person it took some wrangling to get everyone to leave the warmth of the post-office room to go outside again. As soon as he had everyone lined up, one distracted child would invariably wander off.

  ‘Sam, we’ve finished colouring in now. Can you come back and join the others. Please?’ He wasn’t averse to begging if it meant they could start the wagons rolling again.

  Sam huffed back into line with his arms folded across his chest and a scowl creasing his forehead, just as a streak of pink took off running around the table. Lucas didn’t know if it was over-excitement or being homesick that had set them off today. Whatever it was, it left him in no doubt he’d made the right decision in not having kids of his own. He didn’t know how to handle them outside a hospital cubicle.

  ‘I think we should start singing now so he can hear us coming the whole way through the forest.’ Freya sidestepped any potential confrontation and took their errant charge’s hand without any further fuss.

  She was going to make a great mum. Which was exactly why she’d be better off without him weighing her down.

  The rousing chorus of ‘Jingle Bells’ she started finally set them off out the door on a march towards the waiting sleighs. Lucas breathed a sigh of relief once their train of reindeer-drawn carriages was snaking through the lantern-lit woods, temper tantrums averted. It was all thanks to Freya. She was the peacemaker and the calm in any storm. Perhaps if he’d turned to her for guidance and support when the nightmares had begun tormenting him she might’ve helped quieten the chaos in his head before it had consumed him. Unfortunately his pride was a heavy price he hadn’t wanted to pay.

  As he watched her inside the dim interior of the log cabin, whispering the relevant info about each child to Santa as they stepped up for their gift, Lucas realised the outcome for their relationship was always going to have resulted in the same tragic ending. She was a ray of light in the shadows, her own excitement almost bubbling to the fore as she tried to keep the children quiet awaiting their turns. Too much of a free spirit, full of love and empathy, to be condemned to a childless lifetime shackled to his issues.

  He stood at the back of the room detached from the scene before him, unlike Freya, who was right in the middle of it. The sounds of paper ripping and happy shrieks as the kids unwrapped their presents no longer angered him because he’d missed out on this unparalleled joy as a child but neither could he relate to it the way Freya seemed to. He was just kind of numb to it. The medication had kept him that way for a time, to quieten his thoughts and help him sleep, but he’d hated that zombielike existence and had been glad when therapy had helped him process what had happened to him so he could gradually be weaned off the antidepressants. He guessed this was his adjustment phase. Not unlike lying in a dark room for any length of time and suddenly having someone switch on a bright light. It had taken time to get used to his surroundings again and adapt accordingly. Life was different now but it simply wasn’t the one he preferred because Freya was no longer in it.

  ‘You were so good with them back there.’ He made sure to acknowledge Freya’s hand in the smooth proceedings as they filed back to the waiting sleighs without incident and watched the compliment pinch her cheeks.

  ‘Similar mindset, I suspect. I was every bit as thrilled as they were to meet Father Christmas. Perhaps I’m not as immune to it all as I thought I was.’ That disarming smile he might not have seen again but for this trip made him ache for days gone by and lost for ever. There were some moments from his past he didn’t want to erase from memory. All of them including Freya and that smile.

  It made him forget everything but what it was to make her happy and the warmth spreading inside him in return. There was no separation, no audience, no cold, when she was glowing at him like this. It was only natural to want to reach out and touch his wife one last time.

  ‘I’m glad you enjoyed yourself,’ he said as he framed her face in his hands to capture that look of pure joy he’d thought he’d never see again.

  Her lips parted on a gasp and he knew he wasn’t the only one struck by that bolt of lightning every time they came into contact. A year ago he wouldn’t have hesitated to lean in for the kiss he so desperately wanted but he no longer had claim to that privilege.

  She covered his hands with her own and closed her eyes as if she was trying to preserve the moment too.

  ‘Freya, I—’ He watched her brow knit into a frown as he spoke and he realised nothing he could say would ever make things right again. He was the cause of that distress written so clearly on her face. Every single time.

  ‘I think we should get back to the village before it gets any later.’ He let his hands fall away with the last drop of hope he could ever make her happy again.

  * * *

  For one brief moment Freya had experienced that same contentment Hope seemed to find in her reindeer toy as she hugged it close all the way back to the village. In those few seconds Lucas had held her face cradled in his hands as though he would kiss her at any second, the world around her had shone brightly again. Then he’d let go of her and the shadows had crept once more over her heart to leave her shivering in the dimming light.

  She’d been swept up into that optimistic euphoria along with the children. Just as they’d set aside their pain and uncertainty to lose themselves in the excitement, Freya had forgotten Lucas was no longer hers. She would never have relished a stranger’s touch the way she had drunk in his. That was what he was now after all this time—a stranger, not her husband—and she’d do well to remember that for her own sake.

  She didn’t know what had prompted him to reach out when he’d appeared so detached at the cottage, standing at the back and observing rather than getting involved like all the others. Once more she found herself wondering what he’d been like as a child or, indeed, what went on in his head as an adult. That had been half of their problem. She’d never known what he’d been thinking because he would never share his thoughts with her.

  As they returned to the village for some last-minute souvenir purchases, she put the last encounter down as an involuntary reaction to the climate. There was every possibility brain freeze had made them re-create some past memory with none of the original sentiment behind it. Or it could have been sympathy, pure and simple. He knew she was an
old romantic and a complete sad case wishing this was all real and for the briefest time he’d let her believe they were still together, that she was happy again.

  ‘Can we go on the big slide?’ Hope was already running towards the giant ice slide that had been carved out in the centre of the tourist heaven. Judging by the queues lining up and down the hill it was the must-do event before returning home.

  ‘Just once and then we’ll have to find the others.’ They’d all drifted off to do their own things for the last few minutes. Since the shops and restaurants were all in a circle, there was little chance of anyone getting lost and the bus to take them back to the airport was waiting just around the corner.

  ‘Yay. Rudolph is coming too.’ Hope waved her new friend in front of her face and made Freya wish she was that young again when a stuffed toy was enough to make you the happiest person in the world.

  They waited as patiently as could be expected for a small child and a reluctant adult in subzero temperatures. Freya found herself watching the skies for those elusive green lights she’d been hoping to see to have made this trip personally worthwhile. So far it looked as though she was going home disappointed.

  ‘I’m sorry you didn’t get to see your lights on this trip.’ Lucas’s voice at her ear had her pulling her scarf tighter to defend against the chills currently rippling along the back of her neck. He picked up her train of thought so easily it was unnerving. Annoying. Inconvenient. Never more so than when she was trying to make sense of her feelings for him.

  ‘It’s okay. I think it’s been eventful enough.’ Managing a group of small children with special medical needs hyped up to meet Father Christmas had been enough of a challenge without throwing in her estranged husband and a lot of unresolved issues. The only thing she wanted to see more than the Northern Lights was her own bed where she could pull the duvet over her head and hide from these emotions which seemed to have reappeared with him.

  She thought she saw a blush stain his cheeks but it was probably the cold biting rather than self-awareness of the upset he was causing her by being here. If he’d ever taken her feelings into consideration she wouldn’t have spent the worst part of a year wondering what the hell had happened to them.

  They moved uphill at an agonisingly slow pace and if it wasn’t for the girls she knew they’d both be sitting at opposite ends of that airport bus, desperate to get away from each other as soon as possible. The one good thing to come out of this for her on a personal level was that the mystery of his whereabouts was finally solved, even if the details remained sketchy. It was closure of a kind.

  She held Hope’s hand, as Lucas did Scarlett’s, as they took their positions at the top of the slide and pushed off. There were squeals of delight from the smaller passengers as they slid to the bottom of the hill all too quickly.

  ‘Again!’ they chorused.

  ‘Sorry, girls. It’s time to go home.’ Lucas got to his feet and shot out a hand to help Freya. It would be churlish to refuse it yet she didn’t want him touching her and upsetting her equilibrium all over again. She reconciled herself with the fact they were both wearing gloves again and there would be no further skin-on-skin contact.

  ‘Aww.’ Scarlett and Hope’s sulking began in earnest now they knew this was the end of their snowy fun.

  ‘Just think of all the things you have to tell everyone.’ Freya did her best to get them to focus on the positives. At least until they were on the bus and on their way to the airport. She could do without any bad-tempered meltdowns on top of everything else.

  ‘I liked the reindeer.’ Hope shrugged, easily distracted with her precious gift still clutched to her chest.

  ‘Well, I like the slide.’ Scarlett stuck out her tongue in an uncharacteristic bout of petulance.

  Freya supposed they’d had it easy up until now. A busy weekend with small children, and her ex-husband, was always going to have its testing moments and this was shaping up to be one of them.

  ‘We’ve all enjoyed different things, Scarlett, but it’s time to go.’ Lucas tried his best to coax her away from the bottom of the slide before the next lot of eager thrill seekers made their way down.

  ‘Yes. We’ve had a good time. Let’s not spoil it now.’ As nightmarish as some aspects of this weekend had been for her, he was right—there’d been flashes of true enjoyment for her too. It was a shame the spectre of her dead marriage was always going to haunt any good memories.

  Freya tried to take her hand but Scarlett wrapped her arms around her body and shook her head. ‘I want to go again!’

  Even if they’d had time to join the queue again Freya knew she couldn’t give in to this type of behaviour. She didn’t want to start a trend amongst the rest of the children when they were about to embark on their long journey home.

  Before she had time to put her foot down any further, Scarlett turned on her heel and ran back towards the snaking line waiting to slide.

  ‘Scarlett, wait!’ Freya made a grab for her but she dodged out of reach and ran back across the bottom of the slide just as the next group of people came barrelling down.

  Scarlett was too busy scowling back to notice the long-legged teen behind her. In painfully slow motion her little legs were swept out from beneath her so she fell back, her head hitting the smooth ice with a blood-curdling crack.

  Lucas’s cry matched Freya’s as they helplessly watched the scene unfold, getting there too late to prevent the fall.

  ‘Scarlett? Scarlett? Talk to me, sweetheart. Are you okay?’ Lucas was on his knees at once, checking her airways were clear and trying to get a response. He placed his hands on either side of her head to stabilise her neck. In circumstances such as these they had to treat the patient as if there’d been a spinal injury.

  Freya saw a small trail of blood on the ice and when she parted Scarlett’s hair she found a small gash on her scalp.

  ‘I’ll treat the head wound.’ She grabbed the backpack containing the first-aid kit. That kind of knock to the head could do untold damage and wasn’t something either of them would treat lightly. Scarlett’s eyes were open but unfocused and her body stiff.

  ‘Scarlett, can you hear me?’ Freya covered the wound with a sterile gauze dressing and tried to keep her connected but her blue eyes suddenly rolled back in her head and her limbs began to twitch uncontrollably as a seizure took hold of her body.

  ‘Scarlett, we’re going to get some help for you, sweetheart.’ Lucas summoned over one of the other nurses, who was passing by, and asked her to take Hope away from the scene and phone for an ambulance.

  Freya knew from experience it was better to get one here sooner than later in case they needed oxygen or meds such as benzodiazepines to end the seizure if it went on for longer than five minutes. The head injury was going to need to be treated too.

  ‘Everything’s going to be all right, Scarlett. We’re right here.’ Freya held the gauze to her wound, praying this ended as quickly as it had begun. A prolonged seizure could starve the brain of oxygen, and the longer it lasted, the less likely it was to stop on its own. They’d known this was a possibility, of course, but the whole point of the trip had been to show the children their conditions didn’t have to limit their experiences. It was unfortunate they hadn’t made it back to the UK before reality had hit.

  Lucas checked his watch. ‘That’s longer than five minutes. I’m going to need to review the protocol sheet and the buccal midazolam.’

  As carers for Scarlett during this trip they’d both familiarised themselves with the written protocol provided by the consultant treating her condition should such an emergency arise but the laminate had to be rechecked every time emergency medicine had to be administered. She tossed the bag containing the medication to Lucas then took over the job of trying to keep their patient’s head and neck stabilised.

  He confirmed all the details were
correct on the package before he opened the pre-filled syringe. The sedative, which came in the form of a sugar-free syrup, was supposed to have a calming effect on the brain and was often able to end a seizure.

  He opened Scarlett’s mouth and made sure the buccal cavity between the cheek and gums was clear before he administered the required dose, then checked his watch again. It was vital they keep an eye on the time to ensure they gave it sufficient time to take effect before they administered a second dose.

  ‘Hopefully the ambulance will get here soon.’ There was always a possibility of breathing difficulties with these emergency drugs and only so much they could do out here. If they couldn’t stop the fitting she’d need to be put on a ventilator to help her breathe until she recovered.

  ‘We’ll be with her until it does.’ Lucas stripped off his ski suit and used it to keep Scarlett warm.

  Freya saw him shiver as he covered the child with his outerwear. When it came to helping others he always stepped up to the plate without a second thought for himself. That was why it was so hard to reconcile his heartless actions of the past with the man now kneeling in the snow, comforting a sick child.

  Freya allowed herself a fleeting pang of self-pity for the husband and father she could’ve had, should’ve had by her side for more than one weekend, but she had to snap out of it quickly because she was no longer the one suffering here. Scarlett needed her and Lucas to work together to make this as painless as possible for all of them.

  * * *

  ‘I’m so sorry you had to come all the way out here.’ Freya couldn’t apologise enough to the distraught parents who’d arrived at the hospital in the dead of night. This wasn’t how any of them had wanted the trip to end.

  ‘We know she’s in good hands but we wanted to see her for ourselves.’ Scarlett’s mother rushed down the corridor with her, understandably anxious to see her daughter.

  ‘Of course.’ Freya would’ve reacted exactly the same way if it had been her child lying hurt in a strange hospital.