Healed by Their Unexpected Family Page 7

  He reached out and brushed his knuckles across her cheek, barely touching her warm skin.

  ‘Thank you, Kayla.’ He leaned across, careful not to disturb Luke, and placed a kiss where his fingers had touched her cheek. She let out a little moan and snuggled deeper into her pillow with a smile.

  For a man who’d sworn off taking on more responsibility in his personal life, he couldn’t think of anywhere else he’d rather be than in bed with Kayla and his newborn son.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  KAYLA WAS HALFWAY between sleep and consciousness. She knew she had to open her eyes, face the day along with her new responsibilities, but sheer exhaustion kept dragging her further down into the bed. She was so delirious she’d even imagined Jamie kissing her last night. It had been so vivid she could still feel the gossamer-light touch of his mouth on her skin.

  The show of affection, even in her imagination, had been welcome. It had gone some way to assuaging her fears she was a rubbish mum when she’d spent most of the night feeding, or trying to feed, Luke. Her full, aching breasts were a reminder of why she had to wake.

  Those mothering instincts forced her to peel her eyes open. Only to find the other side of the bed empty. She scrabbled to sit up, scouring the room for evidence of her baby.

  ‘Luke? Jamie?’ He’d stayed with her through the night, leaving her to feed in private but there for nappy changes and tea-making. Invaluable, but that didn’t give him just cause to take her baby away without her consent.

  Barefoot, she padded along the landing calling his name, a rising panic fluttering in her chest overshadowing any other physical discomfort.

  Jamie had been insistent about being a dad to this baby. What if he’d waited until she’d fallen asleep and taken Luke?

  She picked up her pace and started down the stairs. ‘Jamie? Have you got my baby?’

  He ducked his head out around the living-room door. ‘He’s in here, sleeping.’

  Not even a finger placed on his lips could stop the rage inside Kayla unleashing in a verbal torrent. ‘How dare you? How could you scare me like that? You had no right to take him without my say-so.’

  Her whole body was shaking as she faced him, standing halfway down the stairs. She should never have gone to sleep and left him with the baby. Luke was her responsibility and Jamie couldn’t sneak in and take that from her when he wanted.

  Jamie stared back at her, mouth agape, apparently unable to give her an explanation. In her current mood she didn’t care how cute he looked with his half-flattened hair, wrinkled shirt and morning stubble. Since she was the mother, she was the one who’d take care of this child on their brothers’ behalf.

  ‘I’ve told you once already to get out of my house. Don’t make me say it again.’

  Her threat shocked him back to life.

  ‘Kayla, calm down. I only moved him so you could get a better sleep. You were up half the night feeding him.’ He didn’t reference his own lack of sleep, which was apparent by the dark circles under his eyes, but that didn’t make her any more susceptible to his obvious charms.

  ‘That’s my job. To feed him.’ At the same time she heard the baby wake with a shrill cry, she felt the dampness on the front of her nightdress as her milk came in. Nature proving the point on her behalf. It was impossible for her to deny her responsibility to this child she’d brought into the world.

  ‘I’m not disputing that.’ Jamie sighed as she pushed past him at the bottom of the staircase on her way to retrieve her son.

  ‘You don’t have to do this on your own, Kayla.’

  ‘I do.’ Liam wasn’t here any more, and she’d have to get used to that. He’d been her lifeline through childhood, taking punishments on her behalf and deflecting their parents’ negative attention from her when needed. If it weren’t for him loving her she might have believed she deserved every bad thing that had ever happened to her.

  It was him who’d talked her into going to London in the first place, subsidised her through her midwife training and sympathised when the job wasn’t what she’d expected. Liam had been the one to get her out of her toxic relationship with Paul and convince her to start the career she wanted as a doula. Now he was gone she’d have to learn to stand on her own two feet. Apart from Luke, she was alone in the world. For his sake she had to be strong and stop relying on someone who was no longer there.

  She lifted Luke out of his basket and undid the front of her nightgown to feed him. Jamie turned away. She knew she could’ve been more discreet while breastfeeding but this was her home. She shouldn’t have to cover up. If he didn’t like it, he could leave.

  Rather than do that, he stormed across the living-room floor and flopped into an armchair. ‘Why does everything have to be a battle between us? You’re the most infuriating woman I’ve ever met.’

  ‘Probably because I won’t let you get your own way.’ She stroked the top of Luke’s head, watching with satisfaction as he fed greedily. It seemed between them they’d figured this thing out.

  ‘This isn’t an either-or scenario. We are both his parents and should be working together. I thought we were trying to make this a partnership?’ He leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees, his head hanging low. In fact, he looked as defeated as she’d felt not so long ago. If it hadn’t been for him giving her a hand in the small hours of the morning she probably wouldn’t have slept at all. All he’d been guilty of was doing his best to alleviate some of her burden.

  Despite her resistance he was still here. Either he was trying to wear her down to take over when she was at her lowest ebb, or he was being honest about his motives—he simply wanted to be a father to Luke. Something that she didn’t have the right to deny either him or her son.

  ‘It’s Liam and Tom who should’ve been here, working together to raise him. When they died, I accepted that I’d have to parent alone. You were never part of the equation, Jamie. By your own choice.’

  ‘Something I’ve told you is no longer an option for me. I can’t walk away from my son. We’re going to have to come to an agreement.’

  The hairs on the back of Kayla’s neck stood up on end at the hint there could be a fight for custody brewing.

  ‘What is it you want, Jamie?’ There was no point dancing around the subject and wasting time. She couldn’t dispute the fact he was the father and had rights over his son.

  ‘I want to move in with you. At least until he’s settled into some sort of routine.’

  That was it? As much as she didn’t want him barging into her life, a temporary housemate would be preferable to being dragged through the courts for access.

  ‘What about work?’

  ‘I’m entitled to paternity leave and I have some holidays to take if necessary. I’ll make arrangements with the partners at the clinic.’

  ‘If I agree, it doesn’t mean you’re entitled to try and take over in here.’ She wanted to make that very clear.

  ‘That’s not what I want. If one of your clients’ husbands said he wanted to help out more, what would you suggest?’

  He’d found her Achilles heel, using her own advice against her. There was one way to take advantage of support being offered to new mums, but it involved handing over one of her main jobs as Luke’s mother.

  ‘To make sure mum’s getting plenty of rest.’

  ‘What could we do to increase the opportunity of rest for you in this situation?’

  At the moment she was nothing more than a milk factory for her offspring. It seemed by the time he’d finished a feed it was time for the next one. There was no way of telling if he was getting enough at a time. They couldn’t keep on in this fashion for ever. The lack of sleep alone would have her crying over his crib every night beating herself up for failing to keep him satisfied. There was nothing to lose and everything to be gained by dispensing the same advice here as she gave to her clients.

/>   ‘I could express some milk and you could do some of the feeds.’ She conceded defeat and prayed he wouldn’t take advantage now he had one foot in the door.

  Jamie was going to move in and co-parent with her. Only time would tell if she was doing the right thing in letting that happen. It could be that she’d just invited someone else into her life who’d quash her free will by trying to impose his upon her.

  * * *

  It had been four weeks since Luke’s arrival and Jamie had moved in. His life was as upside down as he’d known it would be upon stepping up as a father. It wasn’t as though he hadn’t known what he was in for after going through this once before with his little brother. As at that time, he hadn’t planned for his life to take that route now either. He hadn’t even anticipated staying with Kayla this long. Hell, most of his relationships hadn’t lasted this length of time. Apart from the one with Natalie, which had proved he was just as selfish as his father, not taking anyone’s feelings into consideration except his own.

  However, Kayla had needed him, someone, to share the load with. Sleepless nights and what seemed like a constantly hungry baby had taken a toll and though they were living in the same house they were like zombies barely registering their surroundings at times.

  He might have found it easier if they were married and children were something they’d committed to together as husband and wife. If he’d planned his life around having a young family. It was difficult when your world was turned upside down in a heartbeat. Babies weren’t something you could return like unwanted gifts.

  Now his son was here, of course Jamie wanted him, loved him, and would do anything for him. That didn’t mean it was easy. Especially when he was continually trying to prove to Kayla his worth too. It was stress upon layer of stress, but he knew it had to be the same for her too.

  She hadn’t asked for him to be parachuted into her life either but now they needed to make the most of the situation they were in. Together.

  Something she was struggling with, along with trusting him. The concessions she’d made thus far he knew were only because she was exhausted. He was determined to show her he wasn’t the man she’d believed he was when they’d first met. Not any more.

  ‘There you go, buster. All clean again.’ He picked up from the changing mat the wriggly bundle who was smelling a lot sweeter than he’d done five minutes ago.

  Cherry came out of Kayla’s room at the same time he left the nursery.

  ‘Hey. Is everything all right?’ He was every bit the anxious partner as well as the doting dad. With Luke content and snuggling into his neck, he wished he could do more for Kayla too. The neck snuggling was optional.

  ‘I think she’s more like her old self. I’m hoping she’s moving past the baby blues, but we’ll keep an eye on her.’ She wasn’t telling him anything he hadn’t noticed himself. Kayla had been weepy, which wasn’t unusual for new mums with hormones going haywire. Also grieving for her brother, with no other family around to support her. Except for him, who she wasn’t overjoyed about having around.

  Add to her very emotional circumstances a fussy feeding baby, it was no wonder motherhood hadn’t been full of rainbows and unicorns for her so far. It would be easy for a parent to throw their hands up and say they’d had enough, walk away without a backward glance. He thought of his own father, who’d never enjoyed the ups or downs of family life, and realised it said a lot about the strength of a person to hang in there even when parenthood seemed overwhelming. She might not see it now, but he knew Kayla was tougher than his military-trained father. That made her the best mother Luke could want.

  ‘I’ve taken over doing some of the night feeds, but I think she’s a bit resentful of that.’ By getting her to express milk so he could bottle-feed Luke, it should’ve eased some of the pressure on her, but it wasn’t working out that way. He’d asked Cherry to come over and have a chat with Kayla since she didn’t seem to want to open up to him.

  ‘It’s common for new mums to think they’ve somehow failed by letting a partner help with the feeding. The best thing you can do is to persevere and maybe get her out of the house if you can. Try and get some normality back. I’ll pop by for visits when I can too.’

  Jamie led her out of the house, her words swirling around his head as he sought an answer as to how best to serve Kayla. The trouble was this wasn’t normal for either of them. They were learning how to be a family as they went along.

  It would take doing something together, something beneficial to their arrangement, for them to bond. He’d have to think like Kayla to figure out what that might be.

  * * *

  ‘A baby massage class? Seriously?’ If Jamie had suggested they went down to the register office and got married Kayla couldn’t have been more surprised.

  ‘I thought it might be good for Luke, and us. It’s supposed to help bonding and attachment, as well as a host of other benefits.’ He handed her a computer printout as evidence of his covert research.

  ‘I know all about it. I’m just surprised you do. I didn’t think you were on board with that sort of hippy-dippy nonsense.’ Jamie was surprising her more every day. Not least because he was still here, changing nappies, cooking meals and giving bottle feeds when required. They were the actions of a man who simply wanted to do his bit.

  Yet, she couldn’t bring herself to trust his motives and be thankful for him being here. To her, it represented her failure as a mother. Luke wasn’t settling with the bottle-feeding either.

  ‘It can’t do any harm, can it? It will get us out of the house for a while at least.’ As he was already strapping Luke into his car seat for the journey, he wasn’t leaving her much of a say in the matter.

  ‘My company’s that bad, is it?’ She hadn’t been herself since Luke’s birth, but she wasn’t likely to be ever again. From now on her every decision, her entire life, revolved around this new arrival.

  ‘No, but we need to introduce this little one to the outside world some time. This is our chance to do some family bonding.’

  Family. It was a word, a concept, capable of striking fear and longing into her heart at the same time. She would’ve loved to have had a family of her own, but her childhood experience had turned it into something to be wary about. It was more than biology, it was that feeling of belonging, love and support she’d had with Liam and Tom.

  She didn’t know if the significance of the word was the same for Jamie or if it was merely a throwaway comment.

  Instead of dwelling on it, she chose to focus on the bonding aspect of the classes he’d joined on their behalf. ‘They do say that the one-to-one time during baby massage helps parents recognise their baby’s needs. I’m willing to try anything which will make me a better mother.’

  It was an insight into her vulnerability she hadn’t intended to share but one he’d surely seen for himself recently.

  Jamie stopped packing the changing bag with baby essentials to look at her. ‘What on earth would make you say such a thing?’

  Kayla fussed around Luke, making sure he was well covered before they transferred him out into Jamie’s car.

  ‘Let’s face it, the breastfeeding hasn’t exactly been a resounding success.’ If it had been she wouldn’t have conceded so easily to the idea of him moving in.

  Jamie let the bag fall from his shoulder and walked over to her. She didn’t want to make a big deal of this with him and wished she’d kept it to herself in case he used it as ammunition against her later. He rested his hands on her shoulders, the importance of touch reaching home when the gentle pressure was a reminder someone was there for her. Even if it wasn’t the brother she’d shared so much with. The only person who’d ever truly loved her.

  ‘You are an amazing mum. Don’t ever think different. You’ve fought for everything you believed best for Luke.’

  ‘That hasn’t always worked out either, has it?’ She
thought of the home birth, which could’ve gone so wrong, and the breastfeeding, which had. The shame was so great she couldn’t look him in the eye. She was a fraud who’d made out she was the expert when, really, she had no clue when it came to raising her own baby.

  ‘Hey.’ He cupped her face in his hands and forced her to look at him. The concern for her, the sincerity she saw in his eyes, were unexpected. Perhaps she’d expected him to gloat, or, as she’d seen with other partners, pretend there was nothing wrong.

  In that moment she wanted him to hug her, kiss her softly and reassure her everything was going to be all right. The way she’d been imagining him doing in her dreams these past weeks.

  ‘That’s enough of that talk. Where’s my ballsy earth mother who’d walk over hot coals before letting anything defeat her?’

  It was kind of nice that was how he saw her. Dared she say it, even complimentary?

  ‘She’s here somewhere. Under layers of baby sick and mum tum.’ To say she wasn’t at her best was an understatement. She was always telling her new mums not to be so hard on themselves and not to worry about stretch marks and weight gain when they’d just produced another human. It was different when you saw the changes in your own body.

  In the scheme of things her appearance was the least of her worries, but she wasn’t herself any more. She was aware of that every time she glanced in a mirror. It didn’t help her self-esteem knowing Jamie was witness to her gradual decay. His comment highlighted the fact he’d noticed the changes himself. How could he not?